Yesterday was not one of our “Better” days. It started out okay but then – these mountains got in my way (molehills actually, now that I am looking back).
I know, or at least, I strive to really know, that:
For verily I say unto you, That whosoever shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he saith shall come to pass; he shall have whatsoever he saith.
Why is it that lately, every time I see that mountain, I don’t act in faith, but in fear. It’s always related to my oldest son. What a struggle he can be. It’s been a tough year for him. As he becomes older he seems to pull away from us, more and more. Whereas we once would talk, amazing conversations, he hasn’t a word to say. Chores, academics – these are all more battles for me to fight. And I know that I have to fight for him, not against him. Just not sure how.
I am blessed that I have met some lovely mamas; home educators who have been there – who are there – there to walk with me and encourage me (and I them) in this difficult time.
Last night though – I lost my temper – on my oldest son – on my husband. There was no shortage of me letting them know what they should be doing and why they are to blame for my heart ache. If my husband did more with my son; was firmer and more sure. If he wasn’t so eager to settle in and just have a peaceful night.
If my oldest son would just listen. If h e could just obey the simple things I need him to do and not provoke his siblings at every turn. If only he could be kind to others, still his tongue – be the compassionate friend he so desperately wants and needs.
I let everyone have it. It was kind of a pity party – instead of seeing the need for conversation, problem solving, relationship building – I saw them against me.
Now to be be honest and fair, there are definitely things that all of us need to do differently. We need to work together. There needs to be more time learning and growing with one another and less time just passing the time on television and video games. These things might not be bad but all things are better in moderation.
So after all things settled down and I was resting, I noticed that this evening of trial and tribulation (ha-ha) resulted in all four kiddos having built a fort in their bedroom and playing card games together. Nicely. No awful noises or words; no antagonizing behaviors towards one another. They were simply together; being being friends.
And this morning? We are watching some baking shows. Lots of great ideas for baking and decorating cakes and cookies and donuts. A great way to encourage reading, math, creative design. Of course being able to enjoy a yummy treat in the end is a wonderful reward (my oldest has begun to enjoy baking and gifting his treats – that’s serving others!).
My younger son and older daughter spent a bit of today working on training our dogs to sit and heel; to stay and to jump up. Fun stuff. It’s so nice seeing the two of them working together; learning together. A great way to encourage being helpful. And our dogs certainly appreciate all the treats and attention!
As for my oldest son? He is still rebellious and he still struggles with academics. But he has a good heart; he is forgiving and honest. He has so much potential – such great desire – I have to remember that he is not me. As he becomes a young man, so many lessons for me to learn about how I can be present and supportive to him while still being his momma.
Yesterday was not so great – it could always be worse – but today is going to be a better day. As we talked together about the mistakes we made and our plans to learn from these things, we all had to soften our hearts a bit. Forgiveness. Confession of our own wrongdoings.
As my oldest said, today is a blessing because its another day for us to strive to do right and be better than yesterday.
May we always seek to grow. Together. In heart and soul and mind, loving our Lord. ❤