I am pondering….praying…trying not to let hurt feelings make me a hurtful person …
Its amazing the preconceived notions people have. And its amazing how they can be wonderful people and yet be not so wonderful at the same time. I think without even knowing it.
The Lord sent her to us back in August – an exchange student from Brazil – a girl with a heart for God. A girl who I have seen more and more, in her time with us, live a life full of fear and insecurity. A girl who wants desperately to be what she was not created to be. Such a broken thing; she is so emotionally broken – so in need – and so alone. On purpose.
She has never really made herself at home with us. She has made herself at home with our church and I do believe that is God’s plan for her. I pray for her – I pray for strength for her – for a breaking down of those strongholds that cause her to imagine these fears and keep her captive and alone.
The mind is a powerful thing. In all of her time with us we have asked many times when she will give us a chance. Its so complicated. So messy. Just like real life. Some people are ready, some are not. I fear too that our life is one that you cannot just become a part of. It takes work. It takes a lot of work.
We get out of thing what we out into those things.
I cannot blame her for her lack of initative, for her lack of abilities. I cannot blame her for her choices no matter how foolish they are. She reminds me of what I do not want for my children – I never want them to feel such a drive to be independant that they become a burden, that they become someone who can make others feel badly
Cause and effect – we have to take chances. We have to raise our kids to be independant and able to do for themselves but let them not have a spirit that is so strong in their need to do so that they are living in brokenness, fearful and alone because they choose to push everyone away rather than seek their help and admit to their needs.
It hurts my feelings. She makes me angry. That she would not think of our feelings in all of those things that she does. That no matter how many times and ways we try, she kicks against the pricks…..I cannot understand. And we love her and we care for her – we cannot fill that emptiness within. We cannot bring her the joy and security that she will only find in Christ.
But I can rest and I can cast this upon Him knowing that He has a plan for me. He has a plan for her. Its all in His time all for His glory. Not mine.
And I can see how important it is for us to love us, as we were created to be, I can see the pain and the anguish that is, when we seek desperately, to be what He has not created us to be.