Lately I am feeling very surreal – outside looking in – on my home, church, family….its something else….
I am a reflective person – I like deep thinking – I guess its why I don’t have more friends. My inability to just “go with the flow” – my need to se beyond what is right in front of my face and dig…deeper and deeper…..
Most people seem to just prefer going with “what you see is what you get”
I can appreciare transparency. Really I can. I think I am fairly transparent. I don’t have tie for deception, or games…I barely remember to bruh my hair some mornings my time is so limited. Not complaining – my little ones are my joy – but its true. My time is limited. I have a short fuse for it being “played with” let’ say
So maybe I am in a bad place Maybe I really am just going into a deeper place with God. Who knows. I trut Him as I journey regardless. I have faith in His promises too 🙂
So my husband comes home last night to tell me we could have a six figure household….but he blew it. I guess he was offered a job last fall – the invitation to interview never even came up …. Six figures…wow…. He wanted to know if he did the wrong thing “back then”
Does it matter? Too late now – no looking back. More money i always nice but then I get to thinking – More money means more chances for vacation. More stuff. Have I ever mentioned how tired I am of stuff? Seriously – it everywhere and I seem to be the only one who sees it (even if someone else trips over it mind you!)
That got me to thinking……So many opportunities come our way in life. Some we disregard and others we consider. Why do we not pray on these things when they come to us? Let Him direct our steps – So many things we dismiss that I bet, coud be used for His glory.
Are we trusting Him? Are we seking Him in every little thing? It all matters to Him – big or small. My oldest, when he was really little and began playing Super Mario – he would ask for God’s help to complete levels; to stay alive. I thought it was silly then. But talk about taking it ALL to God. It matters.
Its hard to believe. Its hard to remember. I have been stuck lately. Stuck like a bug in a jar of jam. I have always felt, everywhere I have been in life, an outsider looking in. I have always been the “wallflower” Isn’t that what they called the girls at school dances that just stood and never danced?
I think sometimes as I sit in our church or as I am watching my kiddos play at the ark – Watching people – trying not to be too judgemental but wonderng – is it all a mask? The group of women that sticks together like glue – they don’t notice the lonely mom in the corner – they don’t see the child crying on the swing – they look pretty, perfect in every way – but are they? They don’t seem real.
We spend too much time trying to be pretty. Trying to be someone that people want to know. Why? I mean some days I care about thee things; most days I shudder when I think of it all. Fashion, make up, those high heels that make my feet hurt (and I am not wearing them) and I wonder why? What is the gain? Itd whats within.
We try too hard. Or maybe we don’t try enough. Either way lately I feel rather; alone and not very loved. I know – I know – love me or hate me. Its okay. I have a great God who loves me so much – as. I. am. Perfectly. In His image.
It doesnt take away the feeling of being outside of everything that comes over me now and then. But I trust Him. And I know no matter how alone I feel; no matter how out of place I feel – Its enough that He chose me. I will never understand why but I am blessed that He did.