I admit it – I have been a poor steward of my time. My thoughts and my intents are not what they should be. Since we returned from our “vacation” I have felt more animosity and ill will towards my in laws, than in past years.
I am not good at forgiving. I admit it. I am not good at “letting things go” .. Especially when I know that what was received just aint’ right. For my husband its just something he accepts. he does so much for his parents and yet I have not once heard his mother show any gratitude for all the things he does for her. I tick off on my fingers the list of things we have done for them, the time that has been taken from our family time together…..phew.
I have to stop counting. I have to accept that they are much like children and we can – we must? – care for them as a part of the brethren? I do not know. Its a bitter pill to swallow. I mean, do we have to – their drama, their lack of responsibility? Their bad decisions – is it really our problem?
Honour thy mother and thy father…..this cannot mean that they are to trump our family? This cannot, surely, imply that their problems are ours even when they are the root of their problems? Change….I am all for helping those who help themselves (or try even) I am all about teaching them how to fish so they can do for themselves. But really…..When it never ends? When my husband just cannot say no?
I guess I have a harder heart? Less love? Do I need to show more compassion? I pray on this, Lord show me, show my husband, where our duties lie – where we are to go that is pleasing to you? I pray that we will not continue spending hours working out ways they can better manage their finances… Things they want versus things they need. I need God to show me.
I have some bitterness in my heart. I do not like how used my husband is, how quickly he jumps to solve all their problems. I care about them of course; I want to see them be those folks I can encourage the children to emulate. I want to be able to stop telling our children to try to not to bother with ll that grandma says. There should be more to their relationship with them than there is. How I pray He will open a door. But I am bitter and resentful of these in -laws that require so much of us and bring us so little joy.
I need to root it out. I need to understand them. I need to try more anyway. My husband says I need to give his mother more credit than I do BUT (always a but) its hard. When I spend days cleaning the house, planning meals for visits – things to do – and then she takes over and makes meals our kids don’t eat – sits and talks on her cell phone most of the time – reads and hollers at our children for every little thing…..Oh she makes it hard.
I am not perfect either I know. I tend to be one of those folks who knows too much for my own good. Who has a list of pet peeves ten miles long – I tend to get stuck in my world – where it all goes like this – know what I mean? I am sensitive about things to a fault – introverted enough that it hard for most to really know me (it takes a lot of work, I admit it). And I have major trust issues. When His words to trust Him and not man, I can handle that, I really can.
My husband is good. He spoils me. he deals with my rants and tantrums with silence and he doesn’t take any of it personally. Except when I need him too then…. What? I get bitter again . .. I get tired .. and I get frustrated. And I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t try to understand enough?
Either way I am pondering this bitter taste that I cannot get rid of. I am drinking my coffee, and enjoying my little ones splashing on this hot, sticky day (I am burnt to a crisp myself) and I am pondering how I can recapture the joy that they have. After a long day at the zoo so- much walking, a playground full of kids, more walking and lots more zoo….they are not cranky, at all. They are tired but they are full of joy still. The baby pigs, the goats, the birds and the huge spider….Its enough. i want to get to that place where “ITS enough”.