One thing I have learned today; in a day that has left me worn. Tired, crushed and with tears….
My oldest son, who has had a heart for God for as long as I can remember; who has been our Bible Quizzer; our little worshipper – he has stopped. He has chosen another way. Day after day of struggling through Bible readings and verses and prayer time. He just doesn’t want to do it. HE doesn’t want what is being offered Him – Says he cannot.
Is that what comes as they get older? Suddenly questioning; seeing another way and moving in a different direction? So much wisdom gained; such blessings given and yet….How can anyone, a child even, fight the great truth they know? God has a plan in him still. Right?
No matter how far the prodigal drifted, his father still showed him nothing but love when he returned home. Mine is home, too young to run in a sense; old enough to distance himself in attitude. In his mind. I make a terrible mother to a prodigal. I cannot sit idly by. I cannot allow the behavior and attitude. Yet I know not how to correct them.
How much can you love? How much can we pray? And when do the tears cease to be? My oldest son, my first born – does not want to quiz, does not want to study and pray – too young to be drifting. And yet he does.
Pondering how to be the mother he needs. Praying for the wisdom and guidance only the Lord can provide. And praying too for that mentor, that friend, He can provide, to perhaps be my strength. It’s amazing how alone you can feel when things are going “wrong”. I remind myself, its not about an easy way but rather about strength and faith in Him. Trusting in His plan even in the storm.
I know not what is in store for my oldest. I am trying to love the heck out of him even in the midst of our struggles. As he challenges every moment of our days; as he seeks to be the authority, and ignore the rules – I pray for the strength and the heart to love him in all of this. Too often though I fear I fail. I fail Him. And I fail my son.
Trying to let go. Praying I can hold on at the same time. Anything is possible so long as our eyes are on Jesus. I know not what to do with my child; my heart breaks every time we struggle and the joy of mom and son is replaced with trials and tears. I know He will make a way fort he both of us. Feeling less than confident in my abilities right now and yet – In my weakness He shows Himself strong. So I shall release my fears and worries; I shall rebuke the anger and the regret I have in my heart. I will stand on His promises. His promises to me. And His promises to my son. He is faithful. He is always good.
We are in His hands. Its rocky, its painful…But there is no safer place to be than in His hands.