Freaking out! My kids have been freaking out since about 7:30am. Not in a bad way. They just wake up ready to rumble. haha
I have been up since a bit before 7am; early mornings just do not agree with me. But I know I need to get up as soon as I can to seek HIm; to read His word and pray….And yet too many mornings I just cannot. Like this morning. So much coming at me from the second I woke up. I am still looking at the same page in Genesis. ~sigh
Dogs that need to be taken out and fed. Kids that seem to know the second my eyes open and they come for me LOL And this past week it seems I have been more easily frustrated. I have been moodier, more sensitive to my needs and less to that of others. My 4 ear old son telling me to look and watch as he plays and builds … Its not cute right now. My daughter chasing about the house with her little vaccum; wanting “uppie” every moment I seem to have free……sigh And my oldest who is so strong willed; smart as a whip and determined to do his own thing….Add one hubby who just wants a chance to have some down time when he is home; work on some things of his own and watch some football…I am struggling to find the “haven” in the home right now.
I don’t know. I am tired. I am worn out. And I want to hide. From the kids and the husband and the dogs. The constant needs; they have me down and out. And I try to remember this is God’s calling for me. Its not about thinking I can do it; its about knowing that He created me for this. He created these little ones for me to train up. Yet in all the chaos – the “mmmy uppie” the “mommy I need….” its hard to see that light shining.
I admit it – I want perfection. Nice clean house; helpful involved husband; kids who listen and joyfully do. ***screeching brakes*** I hear them….its not real. Its pretty and its neat and tidy and…..not real. My imaginings have taken over. I forget that in the real world its not like that. Its messy. Its not pretty.
I ponder and consider my mess. My house that everyone messes and I clean (with little hands helping as they can of course) Forget those meals that need to be made; scarfed down with not a word of thanks or anything…dishes tossed in the sink or left on the table….meal clean up … the spills…the sticky goo that is found on couches and rockers…all for me. The children’s tears; needing a nap, a rest, just some snuggle time with momma … I am just starting to see.
God is there; He sees. He knows. No matter how worn I am; no matter how the day ends…He has never called me to do it all perfectly. He is so much bigger and greater than anything I can imagine. His plan far more awesome than mine. His idea of great much worthier of praise. When will I learn? Must let go of my ideals; my vision. I am out of focus – I am out of line. I am not being what He has called me to be.
Step back. Slow down. Count the blessings; even if it takes time to find them. The sweet drawing my oldest made for me; covered in goo from apple pie shared with family over the weekend. Hear the joyful noise of the children as they play together; creating their own stories and games. Together. Be still. Listen. Wait on Him.
Lord let me be a woman of God; strong in the faith; ordering my steps according to your plan and your word. Lord let me be patient ~ seeking out opportunities to be more like you; to show you and share you in my home and outside of it. Let my home be a haven for those within; for those in need.
Search me Lord ~ Cleanse me Lord ~ Refresh me and make me, again, new.