No Pity to me….

I was up most of the night; into early mornig.

Pondering. Praying.

I think maybe it was a bit of a pity party for me. Mixed with truth. I don’t know. Feeling sad and a bit torn and worn and beat up as of late. Sitting up reading old journals; poetry written long ago. Poems that are full of pain and anguish and love and sorrow .. that bleed…who I used to be…. who I am meeting who I was…..

There’s something to be said when present or future me, meets the me of the past. I have spent the last few days dealing with feelings of loneliness…..feeling empty; struggling to hold onto that mustard seed of faith … family and friends being brought to Him – shown this glorious truth and yet … its like a yo-yo – back and forth and up and down and left to right…no sign of staying in one place. Its trying to catch the rabbit who keeps going down the rabbit hole.

Square peg in a round hole. Starting to believe am that bull in the china shop too. I just cannot get words out …. I cannot get to that place of soft and gentle. Its frustrating watching people who know better spin their wheels. Have to remember I cannot let it be about me. Because it isn’t about me. Time is of the essence…..His time. He is always on time. Must remember that. There is a reason.

Lord give me eyes…..Seems I am feeling more bitter; more hurt and having less patience. Perhaps it is the pressure of holidays upon me; maybe the many folks I have sitting in Bible studies…I never discount spiritual warfare being in my life….I am wary to give the devil more credit than he deserves at least….I need a renewal. I need strength to rise up and fight again and again …

I remember the ending….must not forget how it ends..His word confirms what I forget. We win. No matter how my days go in the end of all ends we have the victory.

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