Ever feel like you are outside? When you’re inside?
Been feeling that way a lot lately…..Wondering what I am doing…the purpose behind these days where it all feels wrong; it all goes amiss and no matter what or where I am, I am that square peg being shoved into the round hole.
I admit it. Most of my life I have been an outsider. Its never bothered me much. In fact most of my time I am working; studying whatever has caught my interest most recently….Learning to sew or trying new recipes; learning a language or just reading and enjoying some coffee or tea. Yeah i don’t get out much. haha
I could share my laundry list of complaints about all those things that bother me; what I love and what I hate….but what does that matter really? Its a moot point. For whatever reason very few ever really “get” me. Before being married and with children this made adventure and travel simple. Now its a bit more complicated.
Its not like we haven’t been in the same place for a couple years. We have roots per se. Yet even seeing the same people in our neighborhood; faces in church each week ….Its amazing how I can feel as though I am outside of it all. Watching the joy and the beauty – seeing pain and sorrow – struggles being had and comfort given and received. Yet I am outside of it all. At no time do I feel I have the right or the place to partake in any of this. I am not really inside. Its not home. Not for me.
We live on the same street; worship in the same building three times a week – You are a stranger to me, as I am to you. There is no connection; no bond. You get lost in the crowd; you hang back against the wall. There but not there. Its nothing personal. Some people take this personally; some say its all in my head. I must rebuke the devil and cast out these evil thoughts for in His Kingdom we all belong together. Let’s not give the devil too much credit really .. .
It is me. Its always been me . No matter how or where I am I am outside. Maybe I dance about on the outskirts or come in to test it out but I always go back outside. Nothing personal. Really. We all have those quirks – mine is wanting to be real – which makes me alone a lot. Reality bites right? Its hard for a l lot of people to chew. Heck its hard for me to chew some days.
I am moody; I am loud and I am quiet; I speak my mind when spoken to but I prefer not to pretend or dilly dally in any of that small talk. I am honest – to a fault – sometimes I have a real mean streak to (especially if you mess with my kids) but I try. Every day no matter how worn; no matter how tired and ready to give up I am, I get up, brush myself off and remind myself that I have Jesus on my side. Even on those days when I don’t believe even He can stand me. 😛
I love Jesus and I hang on tight to Him because lately I feel like He is all that I have. My saving grace.
Reminded of a poem I wrote so many years ago when I was inside and out.