Listening to my kids playing their Minecraft game together – my boys anyway. And my daughter sitting at their feet with a pile of books….already “reading” to everyone. I am thinking…..typing….maybe you can call all of this blogging…? I am feeling … blah ….
Woke up to realize we missed garbage day. Again. The second week in a row that my husband has not taken the trash out (and every time I offer he insists he will ~sigh) Its piling up. As are the “burnables” in our garage. I am tired. I am restless. There is too much to do and just not enough time. That said I am taking a break…I realized the other day that while we don’t do much “outside” we do too much “inside” We have guitar, piano, Chinese, German and Hebrew. We have the usual math and reading and writing too (of course!) Bible Quizzing.
I love it. And I hate it. So much work. Work is good I know. It builds character; it is how we learn. But it is so much. I sometimes find myself imagining getting away … alone, far away from home, without my family….crazy. Sad. Exciting too.
Do you know I never wanted kids? I never wanted to get married. I loved traipsing about the world at will; being a hippy of sorts. Letting myself be and see whatever my heart desired. I never wanted kids because I have always been so restless. No close friends, no real ties to family or community….Just going where the wind blows. Reminds me of Him (John 3:8) I feel like a terrible mother today. I don’t want to “do” anything other than look at images of places far away and wish I was there. Read stories in my Bible or onlinee or in my Kindle and imagine those simpler, sweeter times. Pray and sing and just listen to the sounds of my children being children. Life slowly going by. In a peaceful way.
I love my family. I love all that they do and are. They are with me always and yet they are not with me. Escaping into my thoughts, my imaginings. Sneaking away to be with Him and His word even in the home with life going on about me. I see myself in the family and not of the family some days. In the world and yet not of the world. Ever have that experience? I still see myself as a wanderer, as a vagabond; I feel more alone and lately overwhelmed with the people and phones and computers and technology that everyone has everywhere they go every moment of their day. Where is that peace? Where is that simple joy? Those relationships that are real and true and not kept alive via computers or smartphones ?
I used to have dreams; I used to write. All the time. About death and dying and being separated from the world. Of being buried alive. It was almost an obsession. I call it a shadow of my born again experience. I was raised so very different; I have always been separate from the world and I do believe I always will be. There will always be that difference; I am His and He is mine and He is all I need. I went into that watery grave; I came up new. Washed clean; whiter than snow (not saying much when I look at the snow out my window now. ha) My son who is four starts singing just at the moment I think of my baptism “no more shackles, no more chains….I am free….” So free. And yet filled with His spirit; I can speak in that Heavenly language that is for Him alone, never knowing what I speak but feeling His presence upon me as I do; I can wash and clean and pray and train those little ones up and at the end of the day feel empty. Tired and restless. I can say I want to go away. To that sweet peaceful place. I can say it and know that it is where I need to go; into His arms for rest. For renewing of my spirit and my strength. I can know and feel, I belong, in His arms. In His word.
Then shall we grow. We must be ready. We must be willing. To go to Him. To grow In Him!