Cracked Up

I think I cracked. The other day.

My baby girl is five months old now and she is not a very good sleeper. Which is bad because I love bedtime. Does that sound bad? I mean honestly, I just cannot function without a good nights sleep. And I love to snuggle up under my soft warm blankets with that big plush pillow and dream these crazy dreams I get lightly.
I feel awful for my baby girl though. She barely gets more than an hour of sleep at a time. And of course that means I don’t either. Regardless, the other day as I was trying to clean her house and get this place a bit more organized to, I just cracked. The pressure took over. (this pressure I feel is all me no one else). 
It’s impossible. Keeping the house clean. Managing to stay or dinner. Meal planning. My list goes on. So many things I feel I need to do for my family.  I forget that when my to do list is overtaking my life and sucking me dry of peace and joy, I need to let it go. Life comes with many pressures. I can’t stop feeding my family. Lol
I have always been someone who works while in situations where everything is black and white. Call it my slightly obsessive compulsive personality but have always believed that there is a way that things are done, there is a place for everything. No excuses.
That’s hardly real life is it? Unfortunately we will all be under pressure at some point in life. I think of Peter, do you know from the Bible? I don’t think he did well either under pressure.

And that’s something but we all have to acknowledge. We all have to be aware of that one thing that causes us to fall. We have to be sure in our calling and election, we have to be ready to put aside our body.
My weakness is always my inability to do those things which need to be done. I take the scripture, “I can do all things through Christ to strengthen me” A bit too far. I admit it. My expectations of myself have never been realistic.
With four children it’s just not a goal that I should have, to have a clean and always tidy home. With a little babe again in the home, Michael cannot be fancy meals and freshly baked bread. Now is not the time for me to expand my culinary skills or take out the sewing or knitting. Much as I want to, it’s not the time.
I also have to remember that I am not failing the Lord. He has given me a home to keep, a family to minister to, children to train up according to His word. It’s why we chose to Homeschool. So Jesus could be at the center of it all.
And when I feel as though I have failed I remember Peter. Peter who denied the Lord three times. Peter who  cracked so many times under pressure yet who the Lord never gave up on. Peter who is the first of the disciples to see Jesus after the resurrection.
Oh how He loves us. Oh how grateful I am for that continued love and mercy even when I fail. 💕


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