For as long as I can remember my oldest son who is my first born has driven me nuts. Sometimes I think he drives me over the edge. There are times i do not recognize him..who is this morose and irritable boy in my house?
There’s always been something special about him. Never one to do things the way others do he was always kind of stood out. And he’s always been okay with that. Not a people pleaser but strong and sure in his way.
I admire his determination. I love how quickly he picks things up. His passion and his drive for those things that interest him.
At the same time as he gets older he needs to understand about showing respect and honor. His determination and his strong will too often come across to others as personal insults. His refusal to do something. Or how he shuts down completely when he is corrected.
I read somewhere that struggles we have at our children are a blessing to us because they keep us on our knees. They remind us that we can’t do this without God on our side. How much that rings true for me lately with my oldest son.
I have always been fairly easygoing and relaxed. Happy and at peace. Calm and rational. Get my oldest son has the most amazing ability to make me say and do things… he can cause me to lose my cool and seconds… holy sandpaper someone once said?
It always amazes me how I spent years in Social Services working with at-risk youth. I counseled so many parents who had terrible stories. Yet no matter how horrible things seemed I was always calm and kind. I reached out with love to them.
At my own flesh and blood. My first one son. He is more of a challenge to me than anything or anyone. How it Grieves me but I cannot show him more Mercy and speak more life-giving words.
Lately there are too many days when I fear we are only hurting one another. Me with my words and him with his actions and his attitude.
I remind him often but there is a way that is right. There’s a path but we must choose to take it. Lately I have been praying as job begins his praying. For his children that regardless of how old they may be that the Lord will guide them that the Lord will forgive them.
I pray that the Lord will strengthen me and guide me. I pray so often that he will forgive me. For words and for actions that are unkind. That the Lord would soften his heart and mine. Drawing us both nearer to His way and His will.
Sometimes I really do wish that parenting was as simple as I thought it was so long ago. I wish I really did have all the answers. But then I remember that I have a great God who does have all those answers. It’s simply my job to be still and to know that he is God.
There are moments that I think my son and I can’t be any more broken. There can’t be any way that God could possibly use us. And then God shows up and show is himself strong. Whether it’s my oldest son sharing truth and his testimony with another or whether it’s just seeing fruit blossoming. Its a glimpse that reminds me that God is working and I just have to be patient and faithful.