Falling apart to come together

Our house is crazy loud.

Sometimes that really gets to me.

I have been in a season where I really had to admit to myself how much I just did not like what we are all becoming.

The idea of home education has always been one of encouraging and inspiring a love of learning. Maybe we don’t always sit around having great conversations and provoking one another to deep thought but there is a peace and a joy. Lately it’s all a battle.

Bible quizzing it’s something we do and have done for as long as I can remember. It’s something we have always felt very strongly about. Learning the word of God and having fun while making friends. That is supposed to be what it is all about. But lately it’s just one more thing we fight over.

I look at the walls that need to be patched up. The ceiling that is cracked and falling in and are brand new kitchen. Shaggy carpet that’s old and ratty and covered in stains. Paint peeling off the walls….. this winter has not been good to us.( maybe not as bad as I make it sound)

I read somewhere that our physical house is a reflection of our spiritual one. I have to say I do not completely disagree with this either.

I think of when we first moved into this house period when our oldest was about 5 years old. It was clearly a house in need of love and attention. And we fully intended to really make this house a home.

But then life took some unexpected turns. Isn’t that always how it goes? Our family grew. There were changes in the work that we did. I came home to be with my children.

All of those things that we saw and meant to repair that pushed aside. Instead of taking the time and investing in our home we put it off. And as my husband determined more and more that we simply need to move to a bigger house so to those projects that pushed aside for when it’s time to move to that bigger house.

I get so frustrated some days as I look around at our little house that I once loved so. The poor condition at home is in saddens me. I know it takes time and I know it requires money. I realize that my husband and I are not naturally the handy type but I wish we could try. Something.

Lately it feels like everything is a battle. I have grown tired of looking at the dirty walls and the stained carpet. The walls that need to be patched and the little repairs that need to be made aren’t so little right now.

It isn’t that I need to have a big fancy new house. It’s just that it’s so hard to think on beautiful and lovely things when surrounded by such a mess. It brings me back to pondering my own house.

If my physical house can be such a mess what does that say for my spiritual one?

I can only wonder on these days when I just feel empty and broken what the Lord has planned. I listen and sing along to the beautiful truth that there is nothing too dirty but our loving and merciful God cannot make worthy.

I remind myself that this world is not my home. While our house may be too small it is warm and it is safe and it is enough. While it may never be as clean as I would like I remind myself of the blessing that my four children truly are. Even on the worst days I remind myself how quick they are to Proclaim that they have the best mom ever ( even though I really am not and many times feel they deserve so much better) The hugs and the love that they share are priceless. Their creative spirits are beautiful! a simple joy in the simple piece that I pray I can emulate.

The list piles up and it seems the tasks will never be complete. There will always be something but perhaps in this fragile time it is good that we slow down and that we learn to rest. In this imperfect World there will always be something to bring us down. It’s all about our perspective.

I pray today that the Lord would transform and renew my mind. That I would focus on those things that are pure and lovely noble and true and good. No matter the situation I pray that the Lord fills me to overflowing with His spirit and with His love and grace and mercy. I pray that my light will shine so bright that there will be no doubt no matter how dark it seems that I am His and He is mine. Today I determine I will be in one mind and one Accord with my Lord.

The joy of the Lord it is my strength.


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